This Too Shall Pass

In the midst of the night things are jumbled, hectic, urgent. I think if I do not get to finally sleep in my own bed without a screaming newborn attached to me THIS MINUTE, I am seriously going to have a meltdown and may end up in crazyland permanently.  I ask for help, and he pulls through for me, taking the baby from my arms.  I collapse into myself sobbing until it's all out of me, feeling like such a failure, until I give in to sleep. A few hours later in the morning light I wake up and realize what a crazy pants I must have been. Things always seem clearer in the morning.

The day goes on and I try my best to go through the motions without getting stressed, without screwing up, but the whole time I can't shake that feeling - the feeling you get when you realize that you are not being the Mom that you always hoped to be. The one who can feed her baby with ease and without complication. The one who can settle her child to sleep with a simple lulabye. Why won't he just eat? Why won't he just sleep? Why is it that the second time around I am none the wiser to what a crying baby is asking for? And so I continue to struggle throughout the day with the simplest of tasks. I can't seem to get the baby sling tight enough. I dropped another glass on the floor. I hit every red light on the way to the grocery store, causing the baby to start screaming all over again. I forgot for the tenth time to feed the damn dog.

I keep telling myself to just take deep breaths and remember that this too shall pass. Besides, I know the kids will sense my mood and so I need to keep it together. By eight o'clock both are bathed and sleeping peacefully for the time being. It's finally quiet. I pick up and make the house look decent again. I go on the computer and look up info on over abundant milk supply and how to make your own baby wipe solution. I connect with friends via text message to let them know how I am doing. I write this post.

Things now seem less dire, less extreme. I'm more grounded.  I reflect on things and remind myself of what I said before - this too shall pass. One day my babes will be all grown and this will be a distant memory. I'm not the only one who has, or ever will, go through this season of life. The confidence will come back. The joy will return. All of the second guessing and being hard on myself will end soon enough. I know I'm a good Mom, this is just something that many of us go through, even the second time around. And the two most important reasons why it is all worth it are in their beds right now, safe and sound.  Yes, this too shall pass.

I hope there are people out there reading this, taking comfort in the fact that they are not the only ones who have moments of discouragement in this thing we call motherhood. My hope is that we can still embrace each other for all that we are and all that we give our children - crazy momma behaviour and all.