I don't want to go to bed worrying about food anymore. I don't want to worry about what I ate or didn't eat. I don't want to worry about whether I am going to eat healthy the next day. Today I am motivated to just live my life.
RANT OR RAVE
My parents came over for dinner yesterday. Doesn't fruit always taste even better when someone brings it over as a colourful fruit salad in a fancy bowl?
RANDOMS
Happy Halloween!
And for anyone with kids, here are a few halloween jokes you can use today!
And here are some more:
Why did Dracula's mother give him cough medicine?
Because he was having a coffin fit.
What did Dr. Frankenstein get when he put a goldfish brain in the body of his dog?
I don't know, but it is great at chasing submarines.
Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?'
Cos everyone was a goblin.
Why did the vampire's lunch give him heartburn?
It was a stake sandwich.
Dracula decided he need a dog, which breed did he choose?
A bloodhound.
What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer.
What do skeletons always order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs!
Who was the most famous French skeleton?
Napoleon bone-apart.
Cankles. I have a mild case of 'em. I don't want 'em.
RANT OR RAVE
The frost is all over this morning. Eeek! They started playing Christmas music at a kids play centre I went to yesterday. What? I thought they at least waited until AFTER Halloween? The leaves are not even completely gone yet. I don't want my parental leave to end. Why does time keep passing by?
RANDOMS
Today we are having dinner with Maya's Grandma and Grandpa. I'm gonna cook a good ol' roast in the slow cooker. Chris is off again. Sundays are starting to become my favourite days. I will leave you with some more sweet Maya goodness....
I'm a hypocrite. To some degree we all are. Let me explain.
I have these beliefs about life, about how things should be, about how we should behave and how we should live. I usually feel pretty strongly in what I believe, especially when I just know that it's the right thing, but I just can't seem to live by some of these beliefs.
You see, I believe that people should love themselves for who they are. I believe that most people are harder on themselves than they should be and if they only saw themselves as other see them, they wouldn't be so quick to criticize themselves. I often say to people, "If that was your best friend saying that about themselves, what would you say?". The thing is, I don't practice what I preach, because I am critical of myself all the time. Where do I get this from? Well I think society is a pretty good influence, but I also think it is just a habit that I have picked up that I need to be more aware of. I also think that I have let others be critical of me and in turn by allowing this I have disrespected myself.
I also believe that if people want to be truly happy with themselves and how they look (and feel better), they need to quit obsessing over the latest diet and just start getting healthy. Avoid process foods, stay active, indulge once in a while, eat in moderation, take time to make wholesome meals, plan ahead, grocery shop frequently. The thing is, this sounds good in theory, but it seems that everywhere around us there are messages to the contrary - and I am influenced by this just as much as everyone else. I say I want to feel better, be healthy, live a long happy life, be there for my daughter (and I do!), but I also want to look skinny, wear nice clothes, look attractive for my husband, etc. As much as it's not about the number on the scale, I still have an number in my head and if I don't reach it I will likely feel like a failure. Why do I do this? I dunno. Our society constantly focuses on how women look, and we all want to meet that standard, and I'm not sure that will ever change. I don't know one woman who doesn't wish that she looked different in some way.
I am following a lot of healthy "rules" when it comes to eating, exercising, etc. But when it really comes down to it, I am still on a diet. I say that because I am still writing down everything I eat, I am restricting certain things that I cannot eat, I measure some of my food, I am eating less calories than if I were not trying to lose weight, and I am feeling like a failure if I don't follow it religiously. I feel like I am in a conundrum because I am overweight and therefore feel I need to diet first, then work on just eating healthy. One day I convince myself that if I just toughen up and restrict more of my eating, I will see results faster. Another day I tell myself that this is a lifestyle change and therefore I need to not restrict myself so much. And in the end the scale usually wins and this is what ultimately dictates my behaviour and my opinion of myself.
I'm not sure how to change that, or if I ever will.
I also worry about how my thoughts may affect Maya, because I am constantly saying that I want her to grow up with a positive sense of self, yet I still struggle with this at my age. Sure, I am a lot wiser than I once was (getting older does that to you) - I know that I need to appreciate who I am and what I have now - but I am not completely a hundred percent happy with who I am.
That is why I do things such as place post-it notes all over telling people they are beautiful because even though I cannot always follow my own advice, I would like to still encourage these beliefs and maybe in turn I will slowly change myself. I will always have some extrinsic and shallow reasons for losing weight, but maybe just for today, I will let myself off the hook and just be happy with who I am.
Speaking of operation beautiful, Maya and I did some errands yesterday and took our post-it notes with us.
Here is a picture of us getting ready to leave. I tried to take a picture in the mirror to go with the sticky-note-mirror theme, but didn't realize my mirror has hand prints all over it:
And Maya double checking the sticky notes.
We had to run some errands at the mall and so we stuck some notes in various places including some change rooms at women's clothing stores, the public bathroom, a coffee shop bathroom, and the book store. We took a few pictures with my camera phone but some didn't turn out very well.
Maya was at her limit and all "shopped out" so we went home with some notes still in my purse.
I put a few in the bathroom at kickboxing this morning:
RANT OR RAVE
While we are on the subject of beliefs, my brother-in-law explained this book a few years back and even though I haven't read it, the premise changed my way of thinking about food. I picked it up from the book store yesterday. I'll give a review when I'm done reading.
RANDOMS
When I was a kid, I remember watching this one scene on sesame street where the puppet pulls a "Weird Al" and sings about cereal to Madonna's song, "Material Girl".
For some reason I remembered this when I was feeding Maya cereal one day and started singing my own version of it. Now every time I feed her breakfast I sing it and it always makes her have huge smiles. It's hilarious.
Maya is going to have so much evidence of why I am an embarrassing mother when she gets older.
So today and yesterday I was feeling really "blah" during the day. You ever just have days where you feel, well, "fat"? I was having those days. I didn't have as much energy, I was having low moods, I was feeling like I was not being productive at all, and I was craving all kinds of junk food.
I was trying to figure out what caused such a switch for me and I immediately realized that I had two days this week where I ate a lot more processed foods than usual like bread and cheese and chocolate. On Monday we went out for dinner and then on Wednesday we ordered pizza (both for my husband's birthday). Both times I did not allow myself to feel guilty for eating unhealthy because I know that it's ok to indulge once in a while and that it's ok once in a while to celebrate a special occasion. Anyhow, as much as I enjoyed the treats, it really helped me see first hand just how much of an impact certain foods have on me. For example, when I ate garlic bread, I was up four times that night to drink water because I was so dehydrated from all the salt. The cheese and white bread I ate caused huge gas pains. On top of it, I wasn't getting much protein or vegetables and this made me sluggish and made me want to eat more crap. Working out definitely helped a bit, but I just didn't have as much energy to push myself like I could have. I am not saying all of this to complain - I just wanted to give a background to what is going to motivate me today. You see, the only thing I can think of to get out of this is to keep getting active, keep eating healthy, and take care of myself. What other choice do I have? It's the only way to get rid of this "blah" feeling. So today I am motivated to start feeling good again.
The other thing is I have been struggling with the numbers on my scale. I have been sitting at the same spot for the past three weeks. I keep going down two pounds, then up two pounds, then down two, then up two. I can't seem to get past that spot. I know it's not always about numbers but it is hard to feel like you are making progress when the scale doesn't show any change.
The bigger issue is the fact that I am so conflicted about whether I should be trying to follow a strict diet (and thus lose weight faster) or just keep trying to eat healthy in general (thus taking a lot longer to lose). There is so much evidence that points to the ineffectiveness of diets (in the long term) but I can't help but want to lose weight more quickly. But I will comment more on that later. Anyhow, that's my two cents for today. I am going to keep moving forward like I always do. As I said, the only cure is to keep eating healthy, so that is what I am going to do today.
RANT OR RAVE
If you have not already seen this video, watch it. Interesting. Just another example of the problem we have.
RANDOMS
So Maya and I didn't get out and execute operation beautiful yesterday. It just didn't work out. Today we plan to make it happen. Here's the post it's we made. Will keep ya posted (no pun intended).
Since I always seem to be obsessed with taking pictures of creatures in my yard, would you like to see a picture of a toad I took a long time ago?
I know, only weird people post such pictures on their blog. I have no life. Carry on.
Belts. I've never really had to use one because my pants have always been snug for the past ten years (with exception of past diets). When I have used belts, they just look ridiculous on me because of my lack of a proper waist. Even now, when I try on a belt to piece together an outfit, it just doesn't work (my rolls show as soon as I sit down).
So today I am thinking about the day when I will be able to wear belts and feel comfortable in them.
RANT OR RAVE
Do you know what I HATE? Getting up in the morning when it's still dark. I think this a common dislike by most people.
In the summer when I would hear Maya getting up the sun was out (or coming up) and it felt like the start of the day. Now when she gets up I am dragging my butt out of bed. Time change will be happening soon too. Don't like it.
RANDOMS
Isn't it just the cutest thing when babies wear hoodies?
Yesterday we celebrated Chris' birthday with his parents. Chris chose pizza as his birthday dinner. Maya was in such a great mood and was charming it up with her grandparents the whole evening. Even though she was getting tired by the end, she still helped sing happy birthday to her daddy!
And just this morning, about fifteen minutes ago she said "Dada" for the first time. She has been saying "da da da da da" for a while now, but this morning she actually said the word. Every time I said it she looked at me and repeated it ever so quietly. I called Chris upstairs to come up and hear. She said it again. Now if she can just figure out what it means.
Maya received a card for her first Halloween this year. I can't wait to post a picture of her in her costume!
Happy birthday to my darling husband and best friend. We met over thirteen years ago, although it seems like I have known you my whole life. There are not too many memories without you in it. I still remember when we were in university and we talked about the future - about getting jobs, a house, being married, having kids - as if it was still so far in the future. And now look how far we've come. We've had our moments, like all married couples, we have had to work through our issues here and there - but I can honestly say without a doubt that every day we have been together has been the best day of my life. Whenever life gets tough, I still go to bed thinking that it will be ok cause I have you by my side. Like I said at our wedding - I'm not afraid of anything that life may bring because I know you will always be there beside me, holding my hand. And that I am grateful for. You have been an immense support with my efforts to get healthy and you have been there loving me through all of my sizes and all of my triumphs and tribulations over the years. We have always done things our way, we have always cared enough to try harder, we have always been there for each other just as we promised we would. Now that Maya is in our lives, I get to see a whole new side of you, and you are such a great daddy, you really are. It is a joy seeing the two of you together. So thank you my darling for being you and for loving me. I talk a lot about Maya being a significant source of motivation to keep going, but you are too! If not for you, than I wouldn't be the person I am today and I am doing this for me, for you, for us. Thanks for making my life such a happy one.
RANT OR RAVE
Do you remember me talking about operation beautiful? Well I have decided that tomorrow is going to be the day that Maya and I go on a little mission - so stay tuned for the recap on how it went.
RANDOMS
So yesterday one of my cardio kickboxing instructors gave me some encouragement about my weight loss and it was just good timing because I was feeling a big discouraged before I went into class that day. She always seems to know when I need a boost and it is appreciated. Although sometimes I have a hard time with compliments on my progress. I will explain that more another day.
Have you ever had something that creeps you out, even though you know it is a silly thing, but it's still scary anyway? I made these dolls for Maya before she was born and put them on the shelf in the nursery. During the day they look like these cutesy little animals.
But at night time when I am sitting in the rocking chair and the lights are out all I can see is the big eyes looking at me and it freaks me out! The pig on the far right is the creepiest. Those eyes are crazy!
Since it is my hubby's birthday and all I decided to make a dessert for him, even though I won't be able to eat it - but that's ok, it's not all about me. I'm going to use this recipe since he loves this kind of cake.
There are sad stories all over the place. In the news, on the internet, everywhere. I also work in a job where I hear sad stories about children every day. Before I had Maya I think I got to a point where these stories were almost the norm, it was as if I had become desensitized to it and had forgotten that not everyone has such tragedies in their life. Now that I am on parental leave and away from all of that, I have been able to avoid hearing such stories on a day to day basis and I have been soaking up a lot of the joy in my life. But on the odd day that I come across something on the news, or someone forwards me something sad, it is like I can't even bear to hear about it anymore. Before Maya, I could sit in a room with a child and hear about their tragic story and still go about my day. After Maya, I don't even want to finish listening, reading, seeing, what is happening. I hear people say all the time that when they become a Mom they no longer watch the news, they no longer want to hear about anything that pertains to children being hurt, etc. I totally get it because you can relate on such a different level and your heart hurts thinking about what you would do if that were your child or your family. Anyhow, someone forwarded me this web site the other day. A story about a family. I only read through half of it. It was very sad indeed. These things make me realize that I've got it good. I hope things like this never happen to my family, but if it does, I want to face it knowing that I cherished everything I had when I had it. There were a few times this weekend where I had a pile of things to do and just stopped in the middle of it and spent some time with my family. It was great. The stuff still got done - it just got done later that day. So what I am trying to say today is that I have a happy life and I don't want to waste it by being unhealthy. Today I will continue to remember that if I feel the need to stray from my meal plan.
I'm about half way towards my weight loss goals, so thought I would post an updated picture. The first picture is of me the weekend before my sister's wedding when my weight was at an all time high. The second is a picture taken of me yesterday, 24 lbs lighter. I know I should have done some sort of before and after pictures when I started this so you could really see the changes but I didn't think of that so this is all I've got. I promise I will try to post some better pictures for comparative purposes when I find the time to go through the pictures I do have. I think the biggest difference is that my neck blob is going away a bit and I am fitting in to smaller clothes. I am getting a bit more toned from kickboxing. My biggest thing I am still trying to battle is the sausage arms. I think they will be the last to go. In the mean time I will keep fighting the good fight.
RANT OR RAVE
Can I just say that I am in love with hummus these days? There are so many meals you can incorporate it in. You can use it as a dip, a filling, a flavouring - you name it, you can use it. My meal plan calls for food that is natural and free of preservatives so hummus is a good fit for me. I can use it as an alternative to other things I used to add to my recipes.
Sure, chick peas are not super low in fat, but its not a bad kind of fat, know what I mean? Kind of like avocados, which is a whole other food wonder that often gets under-rated.
RANDOMS
Ok. So I have been posting my self coping talk I have been trying to use with myself whenever I get a negative thought that enables bad eating habits, etc. The thing is, I feel like I no longer need to externalize that as much anymore, like I have a handle on it. It is becoming more automatic for me, which is a good thing. I figure you may be getting sick of hearing about it all the time so I thought I would switch it up a bit and just talk a bit more about my life in general, via, random pictures.
So here was my day yesterday:
Maya has learned that her voice has multiple volumes and now prefers to speak at an all time high frequency. Most of what comes out of her mouth is screams, growls, and shouts. Yesterday it felt like there was a strange animal in my living room. She was quite amused by herself.
So I'm looking out the window when I see this strange bird, sitting like a statue in my back yard. I had never seen this kind of bird in my yard before so I tried to take a picture (yes this is my entertainment now that I am home all day). It's hard to see, cause it was far away - it's right smack in the middle of this picture. Not like the usual geese visitors we get.
It looked so still and statue-like forever, and then all of a sudden it spread it's wings and it was off.
The wings were huge. Because of all the changing leaves, you can barely see it in this picture. Bonus points to whoever can find it.
There it goes, off to god knows where.
Later that day I was looking out the window in the front yard and saw a bunch of squirrels playing around. Now we get tons of squirrels hanging around and I love to watch them because they are so quick. Most of them are black, but there are a few grey ones that hang out too. Sometimes I see this flash of silver out the window and I am like "what the heck was that?" and then I realize it is the reflection of a squirrel's tail. It's kinda weird and hard to explain. Anyhow, that's what usually catches my eye and then I watch the squirrels. These two were playing yesterday. They were fighting over some nuts, it was pretty funny. Again, I don't have much entertainment during the day when Maya is sleeping. I haz issues, I know. But squirrel watching is better than folding laundry.
In the late afternoon I dropped what I was doing because it was too nice outside and decided I wanted to take Maya for a walk. Such a lovely walk it was - got some exercise and some fresh air. It was perfect. We also decided to do a quick trip to the grocery store. Sometimes it is a pain having to lug Maya and the groceries into the house - I get a bit distracted. When we finally got everything into the house I looked over at Maya and she had this lady bug just sitting on her face, just hanging out, enjoying the softness of her cheek. Am I a bad mother because I grabbed the camera and took a picture of it before taking it off of her? Like I said..... issues - I haz them.
Ok I love lady bugs, but after setting it free outside I was freaking out a bit because I realized it could have been any bug on her and what it it were a spider? I don't think I would be able to handle that. Then it got me thinking that there are so many things I just cannot control. Any kind of bug could just crawl right on her and if I were not there to notice it what would happen? Maya was just sitting there like having a lady bug on her cheek was the most normal thing in the world. It didn't even occur to her to scratch it off or anything. Seriously, I don't like to think about it.
Later that day Maya had her swimming lessons with her Daddy.
Back float....
Blowing bubbles....
Playing with rubber ducky...
Jumping into the pool...
Front float....
Relaxing in the hot tub...
The day ended with me and Chris going out for dinner in honour of his birthday which is coming up on Wednesday. That is where I regaled my husband with the random events of the day.
