Who's That In The MIrror?

TODAY'S MOTIVATION

When I was pregnant I would often catch my reflection of my face in the rearview mirror while riding in the car. By the end of my pregnancy I avoided looking at myself because I could see how fat my face was getting and it didn't even look like me. I didn't gain an obscene amount of weight while I was pregnant but since I was overweight before getting pregnant my face started to look like the pillsbury dough boy.  The experience was similar to when you all of a sudden see your reflection in a store window.  But the other day I caught a glimpse in the rear view mirror and I wasn't completely disgusted. I could tell that my face is starting to look like the old me a bit. So that is what keeps me going today. 

RANT OR RAVE

So I made beef stew for the first time yesterday. Turned out pretty good if I do say so myself. 

I posted the recipe here on the recipe page. The only change I made is I substituted the flour with corn starch.  Next up - chicken noodle soup. 

NOTE TO SELF

You're My Inspiration

TODAY'S MOTIVATION

I would like to do a mention of someone who is a significant part of my work life and is a woman who inspires me greatly. My boss. She is an inspiration to me because she embodies what a great boss is, and is everything that I hope to be some day. This is a person who took a chance on a young, naive, fresh out of school graduate that had no real experience working in the field we are in.  She provided me with resources and support every step of the way as I began to grow into the person I am today. She gave nothing but encouragement, guidance, and wisdom when I needed it. Despite that, she allowed me to still have independence and find my own way. There are many other mentors that I look up to a my job. People who's experience and expertise I have directly benefited from. But the boss lady has been the one who I have grown especially fond of, because she has helped me see my potential, and because she continues to cheer for me in my efforts to find what makes me happy in my work life. She is kind, fair, down to earth, allows you to say it how it is. She is not afraid to have a little fun, but still always maintains her professionalism. Sure, not every boss is perfect. But there is not a whole lot that our team has complained about when it comes to her performance as our supervisor. Whatever weaknesses she has is made up for in her ability to run the show with great efficiency and success. Not only that but she is just a good person in general. If we did not work together, if we perhaps met in a different context, I believe that we would have become good friends. I hope that some day  I will be able to reach further career goals and when that happens she is one of the people I will thank. She is the one who has been there from day one, helping me grow, cheering me on, and one of the big reasons why I started to believe that I could do more in my life. My job is a stressful one, but having a great boss and wonderful co-workers gives me a reason to keep getting up and going to work every day.  They are a part of my job that I like. This person is also an inspiration because she has achieved many things in her life that I too hope to achieve some day. She gives me something to look up to. Something that reminds me that if she can do it, so can I. So today I will remember that there are people who believe in me, people who want me to do well, and people who have shown me that things are possible. 

Other people who inspire me:

triplet lady, mountain climber, wise one, non-quitter, cheerleader, nurturing soul, mumsie, survivor, MIL

RANT OR RAVE

I just love sundays.  Especially when my hubby is home. It think Maya and I may stay in our P.J's all day and cuddle up by the fire place. Sure I've got laundry to do, purees to make and freeze, yard work to finish. I think I'll just put a stew in the slow cooker instead and cuddle with my baby girl and whatever gets done, gets done - and whatever doesn't, doesn't. 

Here are some more images I find beautiful. They are from sitting under various trees. I love sitting in parks and other places and just hanging out under the trees. I love just looking up at the leaves and getting lost in thought. I think trees are just so beautiful. The way that they have a million curves and crevices, branching out in all different directions, each having a hundred intricate leaves.  It makes you feel calm, cool, at ease. 

Other beautiful things:

backyard creatures, island getaway, french city, cottage fun, maritime, summer vacation, mexico paradise, growing, mountains

NOTE TO SELF

Motorcycles

TODAY'S MOTIVATION

Today has gotten away from me, I literally rolled out of bed and went to kickboxing, then by the time I got back home my friend called and asked me and Maya to meet up by the lake for a walk and some girl talk.  We spotted quite a few motorcycles going by. It is nice out today, a break from the cold and wet weather we have been having lately. It made me think of my poor husband who owns a bike of his own but has not even gotten out on it once this year since Maya was born.  

Before we were married he used to come pick me up in the town I went to University and we would go for rides on his bike. We were young and had nothing else to do. It was fun riding on the back with my arms around him. After we got married, he sold the bike and bought a newer one. This one I only rode a few times. It is the kind of bike that is really only meant for one person, or one person and their stick-thin, feather-light girlfriend.  Over the years as I have gained weight I wouldn't even think about going on it with him. It's not that I wouldn't fit on the thing, it's just that I would look so silly on it. No one wants to look at a big fat but sitting on the back of a motorcycle. My husband talked about selling his bike this season, but I don't think he can bring himself to just yet. I know that he is too busy doing other more important things. Such as watching a Coldplay concert on TV with Maya which they are doing right now as I type this. 

But soon enough he will decide that it's time to say goodbye to the bike until things settle down, maybe when Maya is older, maybe when he retires, who knows.  In the mean time, I hope that he can bring it out a least a few more times, and with me on the back with a skinny butt, rockin' a cool jacket and matching boots, with my hair waving under my helmet, and just for one more time, enjoy being those youngsters we were years ago. 

RANT OR RAVE

Walking. It's under-rated. There are so many good things about going for walks. You get those endorphins going, you get to clear your head, you get to spend time with your pup or walking partner, you get to take in the scenery, and you get to burn off some fat while you are at it. I went for quite a few walks with Maya and Chris and our pup this summer and I see the benefits. Today was no exception So today I am giving a thumbs up to walks. 

NOTE TO SELF

Swimming Lessons

TODAY'S MOTIVATION

On Monday I took Maya to swimming "lessons". Usually this is something she does with her daddy but he was away for work that day. So we got to spend some mom and daughter time together. Maya loves swimming and being in the pool with others.  The class consists of babies / toddlers and their parents. They mostly just splash, blow bubbles, sing songs, and the like. It is great fun.  It's like a bunch of momma ducks and their babies just doing their thing. Like many people I always hate being in my bathing suit, but what can ya do? 

I was thinking it would be nice if I lose enough weight -  perhaps I would be able to do these types of things and not be so self conscious. I know that Maya will pick up on me being self conscious about how I look and I don't want that to rub off on her. Besides, when she gets older I don't want her to have a mom who is the fattest mom in the class (luckily I was not in this particular class).  I know that sounds mean and shallow but what can I say, kids can be very discriminatory by nature.  But mostly, I just want to enjoy doing activities with my baby girl without the body image issues. 

RANT OR RAVE

Found another recipe I may want to try. Simple, but looks tasty. Check it out here. 

NOTE TO SELF

Sweater Weather

TODAY'S MOTIVATION

Sweater weather. When you have sausage arms it's your best friend. They can camouflage and keep you warm at the same time. I can even get away with wearing sweaters in the summer time when I am at work because they keep the air conditioning so cold you feel like you are in a freezer.  But beyond that I am forced to expose my fleshy arms the rest of the year with short sleeves. It will be a good day, the day that I am able to be less self conscious about my arms and when I am able to wear a sweater purely for it's intended function and not also to hide the fat. I will try to remember that today. 

RANT OR RAVE

Well the weather has really changed where I live, the colder temperatures are staying. I think I'm going to try to make a stew this week. I have never made one before but figure it couldn't be that hard with a slow cooker. I will look for some lean cuts of meat and see what I come up with. I will let you know how it turns out and share the recipe once I figure it out!

NOTE TO SELF

Pat On The Back

TODAY'S MOTIVATION

I have written about a few bad days that I have had where I strayed from my meal plan. Well today I thought I would write about some good days. I have been going to a lot of family stuff in the past few months and when I plan ahead for these times I have been successful. For example, last night I had dinner with the fam for my brother's birthday. In my family whenever my Mom makes a birthday dinner the birthday person gets to pick what the meal is. My brother picked tasty calzones, but since that was just too complicated for my meal plan at the moment I brought a chicken salad to have instead. I also brought a few snacks to keep me from getting too hungry and it worked out well. As tempting as the cake was I was able to enjoy a nice juicy grapefruit instead for dessert. I'm not completely giving up all desserts, but I am really trying to keep things in moderation, so more often than not I pass it up. You may be thinking, "Well can't you at least just enjoy a piece of cake on such an occasion as your brother's birthday?". Well the thing is, this is just the beginning of five other birthdays on my side of the family before the end of November - my niece, my husband, my other brother, my Dad, and mine -  I have to keep in check!  Not to mention Christmas comes after that!  Although I will definitely be having some cake on my birthday this year, being a milestone birthday and all! Anyway, my point is, when I plan ahead I set myself up for success. And since I have been complaining a bit on here about when I am failing, I thought it was also important to give myself credit for all the times I have done well. I should also throw in there that I have been making it to kickboxing pretty consistently this past month as well. So today that has what has been keeping me going - giving myself a pat on the back for a job well done!

RANT OR RAVE

Speaking of kickboxing, sometimes there are classes where you have to partner up with others for a portion of the class.  I know a few people in my class but most of the time I get paired up with a random stranger. I really hate it when you get stuck with a crappy partner. You know, the ones who aren't really all that willing to learn and only give a half assed effort? These people totally bring me down. I am too nice to say anything to them like "get off your butt and work it!", so I just sigh and put up with it and then try to avoid them at all costs the next time. 

NOTE TO SELF

Everything I Need

TODAY'S MOTIVATION

I have everything I need. I have wonderful family and friends, a loving husband, and precious baby girl. I am employed. I have a nice home, food in my fridge, clothes on my back. I have freedom and I am able bodied. Why would I mess that up?

RANT OR RAVE

So there's this face book page for the kickboxing place I go to. There are many quotes on it to motivate others. Here are a few of my favourites:

"Life is ten percent what happens to you and ninety percent how you respond to it."

~Lou Holtz

‎"The person who gets the farthest is generally the one who is willing to do and dare. The sure-thing boat never gets far from shore." ~Dale Carnegie

“Don't be pushed by your problems. Be led by your dreams.” ~Author unknown

‎"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage." ~Anaïs Nin, Diary, 1969

‎"Exercise should be regarded as tribute to the heart." ~Gene Tunney

‎"The hardest thing is to take less when you can get more." ~Kin Hubbard

By the way, my baby girl only got up once last night and only once the night before. Happy days are here again!

NOTE TO SELF

Sunny Florida

TODAY'S MOTIVATION

We are going to Florida for a family vacation in January and there is going to be lots of swimming. You know what that means! Bathing suits. Gonna have to shop for a new one. 

RANT OR RAVE

Missing bar-b-que weather! That's ok, I have convinced my husband to keep the barbecue under the covered porch this winter. He's the one that does 99% of the barbecuing. I better get him some good gloves. 

NOTE TO SELF

Popcorn Standoff

TODAY'S MOTIVATION

Ok. So you may remember me talking about the cookie standoff, when I first started out with getting healthy. At the time it was quite the temptation until I declared that I wasn't going to give in and eat them. They are still sitting in my cupboard untouched. 

Well I have decided to declare a standoff with the popcorn. I have talked a lot on here about my popcorn addiction.  The fact that I had gotten in the habit of eating it most nights. Even though it isn't the worst thing in the world to make it was still problematic for two reasons: 1) I usually ended up putting cheesy powder on it and 2) it was always before bed time (which is counter-productive when you are trying to loose weight).  So, four days ago I put the popcorn on my counter and decided I wasn't going to touch it anymore. 

I will look at it when I pass by, and let it taunt me, but I will not touch it. So far it has been a success. So today my motivation is knowing that I can say no even to something as addicting as popcorn.

RANT OR RAVE

Ok, I'm sure some people are probably sick of me complaining about the lack of sleep. But don't hate, this is my outlet. Today I want to rave about the opposite. You see, on Friday night my hubby came home from  being out of town for four days. He decided to get up with Maya the whole night, no matter how many times, so that I could get some uninterrupted sleep. Even though I still woke up when she cried, I forced myself to roll over and try to get back to sleep. By morning time, I had gotten about eight hours of sleep. The first time I have gotten eight straight hours since Maya went through her "sleeping through the night" phase a few months back. No word of a lie, I felt like a different person. I kicked ass in kickboxing class that morning. Major energy. What a difference sleep makes! On top of that, Maya slept for another two hours during her morning nap so I got to take a shower and get ready at a leisurely pace without any intteruptions. It was a great start to the day. The day got even better when we got to hang out with Chris' family for dinner. Maya loved watching everyone and being a part of the group. Last night my baby girl got up four times and so it was back to zombie mode, but I am still thankful for the recoup Friday night. 

Speaking of which, I can't believe how naive I was when I first thought about getting up with a baby before  Maya was born. I was all like "well everyone goes through it, so it won't be that bad I will love my baby so much I will just roll with it". But seriously, I never would have realized how much lack of sleep affects you on a day to day basis. Everyone else makes it look like no big deal. But now I know that as much as you love your child, and as much as you love to spend time with them, you still cherish your sleep. 

I have decided that some seven month olds just get up a lot more at night than others. Could be teething, could be gas, could be too cold, could just want a cuddle. Who knows, sometimes it's hard to tell. But who cares, I have stopped reading the parenting books for the most part because I was driving myself crazy trying to follow different kinds of advice. I just do what works for me. Yes, I could let her cry longer in her crib at night. Yes I could try to change how we do her feeds. Yes there are lot of things we could experiment with, but at the end of the day I am doing what my instincts tell me and I know that there will be a day when Maya no longer wants me to hold her and rock her to sleep. She is already getting mobile and being a squiggly worm during the day. I know these precious moments are running out. So I surrender to the sleep torture. I'm going to enjoy it while I can. Sure it may make me a different crazy person for a while, but I am Maya's crazy person. That's all the matters.  

NOTE TO SELF

You're My Inspiration

TODAY'S MOTIVATION

Today I would like to give a shout out to another woman who inspires me: my mother in law! Yes that's right. Although most people like to complain about their MIL, I would have to say that I rather like mine. She is an inspiration to me because she is a lover of life. She is often living in the moment and soaks up all the time she can get with her family and friends. This lady is often difficult to find because she is never home. She is always out and about visiting her friends, going on trips, and spending time with her kids and grandkids. Her house is mostly just a place she lays her head at night because she is always on the go, livin' it up!  She is a very loyal wife, mother, and friend. If something is important to someone in her life, she makes it important to her too. She is not afraid to try new things. She is open to many possibilities. Sure she  has her vices, like we all do, but she is a person that does not ever seem to have any regrets. She is far from lazy. She works hard but she also knows how to have fun. She is someone who will be able to to sit down when she is 90 years old and say that she lived a full life, and if tragedy were to strike before then (heaven forbid!) her family would be able to say goodbye to her knowing that they were loved by her deeply. She is many people's rock, she is the foundation of her family, and she is that person who makes friends wherever she goes.  This is a woman who enjoys the many pleasures of life, and this attitude tends to be contagious. When you are with her you want to enjoy things too. But mostly, she is an inspiration because she doesn't hold back, she lives her life with great passion. She has taught me to enjoy life and to enjoy it with the people you love. I will remember that today.

Other people who inspire me:

triplet lady, mountain climber, wise one, non-quitter, cheerleader, nurturing soul, mumsie, survivor

RANT OR RAVE

Another beautiful thing I came across a while back. I was travelling to Albuquerque, New Mexico for a work conference. With flight cancellations and delays, I ended up not getting there until midnight and it was pitch dark out when I arrived at my hotel. I didn't know much about this region other than that it is much warmer than where I live in Southwestern Ontario. The next morning, I woke up to the sunlight glowing behind the hotel room curtains. I slowly shuffled out of my bed and across the room to open the curtains and take in my first view of New Mexico.  You know when you have a mental picture of what something is going to look like in your mind and then when you actually see it is nothing like it? Well that's what happened to me. I was picturing a flat and dry landscape with streets and buildings. But instead I got this. 

I was like "Whoah! There are mountains here. How did I get all the way from the airport to here without seeing them?". There they were, clearly towering over the city.  It was a beautiful way to start the morning. Some day I am going to travel to the rocky mountains. I hear the rockies leave people in awe. These ones wouldn't even compare - but they were still beautiful anyway.

Other beautiful things:

backyard creatures, island getaway, french city, cottage fun, maritime, summer vacation, mexico paradise, growing

NOTE TO SELF

Forgiveness

TODAY'S MOTIVATION

Yesterday was not a good day. For some reason the usual lack of sleep was getting to me and I was also not feeling well. Maya was also not being herself and the weather was crappy. We spent a night visiting family out of town and although it was a great visit, Maya's naps are usually out of whack when she is away from home and she can get cranky after a while. On top of that she has decided this week that she doesn't like being in her car seat anymore and would rather scream in protest than sleep like she usually does in the car.  So needless to say by the time we were heading home the next morning Maya and I were a bit stressed. I knew it was going to be a long day. 

The other problem is that I didn't plan ahead. Usually I bring some sort of snacks/food with me when I stay somewhere overnight, just in case the food in their fridge does not fit my meal plan. I am not complaining, I don't expect others to cater to my food preferences in their own home, it's just that sometimes I end up making bad food choices if I don't have a back up plan before I go places. When I am driving distances in the car, it helps to have some fruit or veggies within my reach so that if I am getting hungry on the go I am less likely to do a Timmie's run or something of the like. Anyhow, after I left my parents' house I was a bit hungry because I didn't have my usual bran cereal for breakfast (and what I did eat didn't stick with me) so I caved and got a sausage muffin and hashbrown at McDonalds. That was mistake number one. I knew it was not a good idea, but I did it anyway. I think I was just in a "mood" and convinced myself that I would splurge this one time and worry about getting back on track the next day. That is the line of thinking that makes me sink every time.  

Then I started not feeling well and by the time I got home all I wanted to do was get some sleep. I seemed to be in a "funk" for no major reason at all, just "one of those days". I called my friend who was supposed to come over and baby sit Maya that evening and told her that I was not going to go to kickboxing after all. That was mistake number two.  I ended up getting Maya to go down for an afternoon nap and she slept for two hours. I slept for two hours as well and I immediately noticed an improvement in how I felt.  I considered calling my friend back to see if she would still mind helping out so I could go to kickboxing but then I convinced myself that I needed to just take a break today and just have some "down time".

The only thing moving me forward yesterday was Maya. She lights my heart.

Maya and I did make it to the grocery store to get out of the house before supper which was a good choice so that I would have lots of healthy food handy the rest of the week (regular grocery shopping every few days is essential to making sure there are healthy meals on the table - if I start running low on groceries, I tend to bend the rules of my eating plan).  The only thing is, Maya was having a hard time again (could be teething, could be coming down with something, could just be out of whack - I couldn't figure it out). I knew that the rest of the day she would be a "velcro baby" and want to be attached to me until bed time. So I convinced myself while I was out that I would just swing by the drive-thu and get a burger from A&W for dinner, rather than try to cook something. I told myself that I already blew it today with eating healthy so I would just start fresh the next day. That is the worst self defeating thinking anyone could ever have. 

So I had fast food twice in one day. I went from eating healthy for the past two months, losing 20lbs, only to undo it all in one day. At least that's what I was telling myself and was completely beating myself up for it. A few of my girlfriends popped in for quick visits yesterday - it helped me get out of my funk a bit, and by the end of the day I had convinced myself that I was not going to spend the evening dwelling, and stewing, and riding the guilt train. Instead I decided that the only productive thing to do is to forgive myself. What other choice to I have? The alternative is to fulfill my self defeating prophecy and fail. That is not an option for me.

At the end of the day all of the above explanations are merely just excuses for why I did not take care of myself and make good choices. My day could have turned out much differently but I CHOSE to give up and be lazy. And look where it got me. The attempt to temporarily make myself feel better with food did not turn out to be very effective. All it did was cause more problems. And the worst part about it is Maya was witness to her Momma making bad choices.

I know this all sounds so dramatic but it is what it is.

I know that in the grand scheme of things, one day of eating junk food is not the end of the world, but when you are really trying to achieve something, any setback feels like a big deal. 

I know I am not the only one who has ever had days like this. I know that it does not make me a bad person. I know that writing about it will only help me because it allows me to take a step outside of myself and work through it.  At the end of the day I have been able to point out what thinking errors lead to my choices so that I can catch myself next time it happens. I have also been able to figure out in my own mind the larger picture of how my environment sometimes affects my behaviour and it is now time to address that. 

So in a way, having a day like yesterday was somewhat productive in that it allowed me to grow in my journey, especially because I have been able to sit down afterwards and talk about it and make sense of it. So I forgive myself today. I have to in order to move forward and to keep my eye on the prize. I will continue to fight the good fight and I am not going to let one bad day get in the way of what I deserve. 

Have you ever had a day like this?

Ok, I also had some Ben and Jerry's. What is wrong with me?

Before I went to bed I picked up Maya from her crib and rocked her and whispered a promise to her that I would try harder tomorrow. I promised that I wasn't going to let this get the best of me. I promised that by the time she is old enough to understand what I am whispering her mother will not have to whisper promises anymore because she will have already followed through with them.  Really this is the moment that has sealed the deal for me. She is the reason I keep going. She is all that matters. I don't want her to worry about food when she is older. I want her to have a Mom that achieves goals and acts on things. I want her to have a Mom that has grown and has changed for the better.

Ok so I am forgiven. I still love myself. Today will be a good day. It is what I make of it.

RANT OR RAVE

I always see apple sauce on the shelves at grocery stores, but why don't I ever see pear sauce? I love pears when they are pureed. The thing is, you can freeze pears and they still taste great when you take them out of the freezer.  I have been making a lot of baby food for Maya and had this revelation when she started eating pears.

I'm gonna make some extra for me the next time I do a batch for Maya.  I'm talkin' just pureed pears, not the stuff with added sugar and such. You may be saying, "Why not just eat a fresh pear instead?". Well fresh pears are the best, but sometimes it's nice to have something different. Kind of like the banana ice cream I raved about a while back. 

NOTE TO SELF

What Matters The Most

TODAY'S MOTIVATION

This baby girl is keeping me going on this particular day. 

RANT OR RAVE

Lack of sleep is getting to me again. Starting to feel ill. Going to try to nap as much as possible with Maya today. 

NOTE TO SELF

Shopping

TODAY'S MOTIVATION

On Monday I went and did some shopping for a few new pairs of pants.  Since I am not working, I needed some clothes for just around the house, running errands, etc. The only clothes that I have in my closet otherwise right now are office type clothes or work out clothes.

It was nice to be able to fit into some smaller sizes. It motivates me to keep going. I still have a few sizes down to go but at least I am making some progress.  It's been a while since I have gone to a store and didn't  feel like screaming into the mirror in the change room. After I got pregnant with Maya my pants size just kept growing, and then after I had her, nothing in my closet fit and I had to buy a few "in between"clothes as my maternity wear was too big but my pre-baby clothes were too small.  I dreaded shopping at the time and just bought whatever fit me. It's nice to actually have some pleasure in shopping again. I am motivated to keep going so that I don't have to dread it anymore. 

RANT OR RAVE

Someone posted this on their blog and thought it was cool. No heat curls. Gonna try it one of these days. 

NOTE TO SELF