Onward And Upward

TODAY'S MOTIVATION

Yesterday a few things happened that may not seem like such a big deal to the average person, but to someone who has struggled with sticking to a diet in the past, lets just say it caused some major self disappointment. First of all, I was on my way to kickboxing after five days of not having gone due to various committments. I was excited to get back into it. Half way there I realized that I forgot my shoes. I have done this in the past and when I tried to do the class without my shoes it was risky as I almost hurt myself. So I turned around and went home because I knew that by the time I went back the class would already be half over. 

Then later baby girl and I drove to pick up my doggy from the people who watched him while we were in Chicago. The drive is 45 mins which is the usual commute that I take to work. While I was in town I also stopped in the office to see some of the girls and to show off how much Maya is growing. While I was there, I got the scoop on some new developments happening at work and being there brought back some of the old stressful feelings that I faced before I went on parental leave.  By the time I had left the office, picked up my dog, and headed back home, it was 2:00pm and I was starving. I had a snack before I left the house in anticipation that I may not get lunch until later that day. I thought I had planned ahead, but clearly it did not stick with me long enough. So I decided to grab something on the way home. I went through a drive through and I could have easily gotten something healthy but for some reason I gave in and ordered a cheeseburger and fries. 

As tasty as it was, I of course immediately regretted straying from my healthy eating plan. Although I believe that it is ok to treat yourself once in a while this was different. It was different because of the context and circumstances. I was in an environment that has always been a source of stress for me and I reverted back to an unhealthy way of dealing with it by treating myself to junk food. I knew as I was ordering the food that it was a bad decision, but my self talk lost the battle as I convinced myself that I would treat myself this one time and then worry about getting  back on track tomorrow. That is the worst distorted way of thinking that one can get into when they are trying to change their lifestyle.  There's no day but today right?  Anyhow, when I got home I felt sick, ashamed, and tired. Maya and I ended up having a two hour nap on the recliner (she's been out of sorts since her immunization shots yesterday - I also think a tooth is coming in). Then we woke up and I went on with my day. Going to bed I couldn't fall asleep because I was feeling so bad that I had blatantly sabotaged something I have been really working hard at these past few months. I know I may be sounding dramatic, but to me this is a big deal. 

I could have just not told anyone that I made a slip. I could have just pretended that it didn't happen, but then how productive would that have been?  I guess yesterday's reason for motivation wasn't enough for me, I guess I still have to work on my relationship with myself. The only good thing that has come out of this is that it has forced me to really look at why I did what I did and to address underlying issues that I may still have to resolve in my life pertaining to my job.  Being away from work I have really been able to self reflect on what I want out of life. But we'll save that discussion for another day.

In the mean time I will continue to fight the good fight.  I think the fact that I have put my thoughts out there and are continually documenting my journey is helping me to change. It's a cathartic process. I hope that having others read my thoughts will help me to continue to be accountable to myself. So today it is upward and onward!

RANT OR RAVE

While I was visiting my SIL in chicago I caught a glimpse of the Miss Universe Contest when my hubby was flipping through channels. Watching it made me so angry. I know this issue has been talked about to death for decades, but why the H do these people continue to be the role models for our children?

Seriously, is my perception of a healthy weight distorted or are these girls way too thin! There is no way that they in any way represent the average female and yet they are the ones who are being glorified and treated like celebrities.  I went on youtube to see if there has ever been a time in the last fifty years where they had pageant contestants who were not this thin and I could not find anything. So why does this continue year after year? I have no problem with these women personally, they should love themselves just as they are and how they look, I just don't think that little girls who are exposed to such things are going to understand that this is not the norm. They are going to compare themselves to these women and feel bad about themselves because they are not the same.  We all want to be a bit skinnier and look good, it's our culture, but many of these girls cannot be a healthy weight. I guess the biggest beef that I have with these pageants is the fact that they are judging them a lot on their physique - I mean come on they have a swim suit segment and an evening gown segment which make up most of the competition.

I saw one video of miss universe from 1979 where they announced the person's height and weight as they introduced them. I'm pretty sure a few of these girls would be considered underweight on the body mass index.

 Seriously. What messages are we giving girls around the world. I am scared for Maya.  Would I feel different about it if I were like them? Am I being ridiculous by thinking this?

NOTE TO SELF