Forgiveness

TODAY'S MOTIVATION

Yesterday was not a good day. For some reason the usual lack of sleep was getting to me and I was also not feeling well. Maya was also not being herself and the weather was crappy. We spent a night visiting family out of town and although it was a great visit, Maya's naps are usually out of whack when she is away from home and she can get cranky after a while. On top of that she has decided this week that she doesn't like being in her car seat anymore and would rather scream in protest than sleep like she usually does in the car.  So needless to say by the time we were heading home the next morning Maya and I were a bit stressed. I knew it was going to be a long day. 

The other problem is that I didn't plan ahead. Usually I bring some sort of snacks/food with me when I stay somewhere overnight, just in case the food in their fridge does not fit my meal plan. I am not complaining, I don't expect others to cater to my food preferences in their own home, it's just that sometimes I end up making bad food choices if I don't have a back up plan before I go places. When I am driving distances in the car, it helps to have some fruit or veggies within my reach so that if I am getting hungry on the go I am less likely to do a Timmie's run or something of the like. Anyhow, after I left my parents' house I was a bit hungry because I didn't have my usual bran cereal for breakfast (and what I did eat didn't stick with me) so I caved and got a sausage muffin and hashbrown at McDonalds. That was mistake number one. I knew it was not a good idea, but I did it anyway. I think I was just in a "mood" and convinced myself that I would splurge this one time and worry about getting back on track the next day. That is the line of thinking that makes me sink every time.  

Then I started not feeling well and by the time I got home all I wanted to do was get some sleep. I seemed to be in a "funk" for no major reason at all, just "one of those days". I called my friend who was supposed to come over and baby sit Maya that evening and told her that I was not going to go to kickboxing after all. That was mistake number two.  I ended up getting Maya to go down for an afternoon nap and she slept for two hours. I slept for two hours as well and I immediately noticed an improvement in how I felt.  I considered calling my friend back to see if she would still mind helping out so I could go to kickboxing but then I convinced myself that I needed to just take a break today and just have some "down time".

The only thing moving me forward yesterday was Maya. She lights my heart.

Maya and I did make it to the grocery store to get out of the house before supper which was a good choice so that I would have lots of healthy food handy the rest of the week (regular grocery shopping every few days is essential to making sure there are healthy meals on the table - if I start running low on groceries, I tend to bend the rules of my eating plan).  The only thing is, Maya was having a hard time again (could be teething, could be coming down with something, could just be out of whack - I couldn't figure it out). I knew that the rest of the day she would be a "velcro baby" and want to be attached to me until bed time. So I convinced myself while I was out that I would just swing by the drive-thu and get a burger from A&W for dinner, rather than try to cook something. I told myself that I already blew it today with eating healthy so I would just start fresh the next day. That is the worst self defeating thinking anyone could ever have. 

So I had fast food twice in one day. I went from eating healthy for the past two months, losing 20lbs, only to undo it all in one day. At least that's what I was telling myself and was completely beating myself up for it. A few of my girlfriends popped in for quick visits yesterday - it helped me get out of my funk a bit, and by the end of the day I had convinced myself that I was not going to spend the evening dwelling, and stewing, and riding the guilt train. Instead I decided that the only productive thing to do is to forgive myself. What other choice to I have? The alternative is to fulfill my self defeating prophecy and fail. That is not an option for me.

At the end of the day all of the above explanations are merely just excuses for why I did not take care of myself and make good choices. My day could have turned out much differently but I CHOSE to give up and be lazy. And look where it got me. The attempt to temporarily make myself feel better with food did not turn out to be very effective. All it did was cause more problems. And the worst part about it is Maya was witness to her Momma making bad choices.

I know this all sounds so dramatic but it is what it is.

I know that in the grand scheme of things, one day of eating junk food is not the end of the world, but when you are really trying to achieve something, any setback feels like a big deal. 

I know I am not the only one who has ever had days like this. I know that it does not make me a bad person. I know that writing about it will only help me because it allows me to take a step outside of myself and work through it.  At the end of the day I have been able to point out what thinking errors lead to my choices so that I can catch myself next time it happens. I have also been able to figure out in my own mind the larger picture of how my environment sometimes affects my behaviour and it is now time to address that. 

So in a way, having a day like yesterday was somewhat productive in that it allowed me to grow in my journey, especially because I have been able to sit down afterwards and talk about it and make sense of it. So I forgive myself today. I have to in order to move forward and to keep my eye on the prize. I will continue to fight the good fight and I am not going to let one bad day get in the way of what I deserve. 

Have you ever had a day like this?

Ok, I also had some Ben and Jerry's. What is wrong with me?

Before I went to bed I picked up Maya from her crib and rocked her and whispered a promise to her that I would try harder tomorrow. I promised that I wasn't going to let this get the best of me. I promised that by the time she is old enough to understand what I am whispering her mother will not have to whisper promises anymore because she will have already followed through with them.  Really this is the moment that has sealed the deal for me. She is the reason I keep going. She is all that matters. I don't want her to worry about food when she is older. I want her to have a Mom that achieves goals and acts on things. I want her to have a Mom that has grown and has changed for the better.

Ok so I am forgiven. I still love myself. Today will be a good day. It is what I make of it.

RANT OR RAVE

I always see apple sauce on the shelves at grocery stores, but why don't I ever see pear sauce? I love pears when they are pureed. The thing is, you can freeze pears and they still taste great when you take them out of the freezer.  I have been making a lot of baby food for Maya and had this revelation when she started eating pears.

I'm gonna make some extra for me the next time I do a batch for Maya.  I'm talkin' just pureed pears, not the stuff with added sugar and such. You may be saying, "Why not just eat a fresh pear instead?". Well fresh pears are the best, but sometimes it's nice to have something different. Kind of like the banana ice cream I raved about a while back. 

NOTE TO SELF